Not that kind of way, but my kind of way.
(Not that miserable, but my miserable haha whatever)
People come and leave in my life like they dont care. Not even a touch and go. But just go. It is especially when it comes to friends.
One second i feel like i have the best friend ever. But the next second, i feel like i am the loneliest person in the entire world. I dont have fixed bestfriend like everyone else does. Not just the alternating current nor the weather is changing. My so called bestfriend is also changing from time to time. The one who makes me happy, then s/he is my bestfriend. Then s/he (current bestfriend) makes me feels like i am not worth to be friend of. Or they neglected me and hurted me. It makes me feel so unsignificant that s/he is not longer my bestfriend. That is how its changing. It is repeating like theres no stop button.
No one will ever realize my existence. They never know that i am always here waiting for someone to share their stories or do stuff that bffs do. They never realize something that ive done. They are not there to enhance my confidence in my life. They are not there to cheer me up in my bad days. No. They dont.
Yes, i know. I do look like i have a lot of friends. From my instagram, you can actually see how good my life is. (Duh). I have friends, but not bestfriend. You know the different between bestfriend and friend kan. Its a huge different kot. They have their own bestfriends. And its not me.
They said i am the one who keeps my feelings to myself. I am the one who do not try to share my stories and problems. But how can i even express it when they dont even try to say a single hi to me. Not just when i am sad or depressed but on my normal everyday life. It hurts to see that they tegur tegur my other so called friends saying k i love you be strong and whatsoever but me? You have time for other people but not me and you expect me to secara tiba tiba share my stories and cry and use your shoulder to cry on? Nah i dont think so. Its not about lowering my ego, ni pasal kesedapan hati kau nak tegur and be selesa dengan org.
Sometimes i am okay with it. Until one point, where i cant control myself and i burst myself out. I cried. I feel sad that it makes me feel lonely. I tried to put myself back on the track. I achieved it but i slipped and i fell again and again.
Trying to bear in my mind that Allah is always there for me. And i still have my family that makes me stronger. Maybe there is hikmah behind this. There will be no rainbows without rains. And stars cant shine without darkness.
This post is not meant untuk mintak simpati ke apa. I just want to express my feelings. It is my blog though.
Love,
Sofea.
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